I'm Sam.
I write.
I will make many writings public, but many are more personal and I don't trust everyone with them.
Therefore, a lot of my entries are 'friends only.'
If you know me, or would like to, just comment to be added.

I really like this trimester so far. I sit in the back of most classes and just read. It's wonderful.
I'm trying out for the fall play tomorrow. I want to be the fairy. :)
I miss the community center a lot. I miss going to a place most days and feeling like I'm actually doing something. I feel like what I'm doing now is just a waste of time. However, I only have 55 days left. That's not bad at all.
I should probably care a lot more than I do, but my head and heart are at a completely different place then that school.

Geeze, I'll be moving in almost exactly a year.

I went tanning Friday. It was free and I was curious what the big deal was.
I got sick five times Saturday morning. That's something I'll never do again.

People are disappointing but I think I'd rather look at them as silly.

I'm contemplating if I should run by Goodwill and apply for the job on their sign or not.
I think I may just want to say that I work at Goodwill.

This weekend was very very good.
I locked myself out of my car Friday night. I danced in the rain with Cass for a few minutes while I waited for my parents to save me.  When I went underneath the awning  my hair was dripping water onto my face. I love my short hair.
Saturday a friend gave me a surprise. I was shocked and thankful. God, I was thankful. I've never had a friend do anything like that for me. I've never had a friend care that much about me. My admiration has grown. I want to be more like her. I think those are some of the best kind of friends, when the word friendship doesn't cover whatever it is you share.
That evening I hung out with Ky, met Kira, hugged Lindsay, and saw Austin grow up a little. I miss Clinton and the stars but I think this summer will bring more of both.
Sunday I went to Mosaic and listened to a message that has still left me thinking. Only 8% of the world drives cars. There's such a large number of people who live on less than $1 a day. I need to think of this before I ever complain about gas prices again.
Sunday afternoon I went to a Mad Hatter Tea Party. I got to wear a pretty dress and see Megan glowing. We swam and ate too many cookies. I had 11 pixie sticks throughout the night. Later, Naomi and I went to IHOP where we talked and I felt a bit better about things.

I got the internship!  I start work next Monday. I'm excited. I want to make a difference this summer. I hope I do.

I'm so blessed. I'm blessed for my friends. I'm blessed for my job. I'm blessed for my car and my camera. This summer I want to live frugally. I want to invest in a polaroid camera and cook more.

You have to move forward until you're grateful for what you have, who you are, and what you have been through. - Chad Lunsford

Tonight I get a tiara and get to wear a pretty dress.
I get to feel beautiful.
I woke up not really being excited. I was bummed about a dream.
Then I began watching Pretty In Pink. For the first time, I think I understood Molly Ringwald's character a whole lot. This is okay.
The sun is shining. I'm going to meet some friends that I won't see tonight. I'll drive to Ben Kweller.
Later I get to spend most of the night with my best friend.
I'm not expecting tonight to be THE BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE!!!, but I'm expecting good moments.
I don't want it to be the best night of my life because if I accomplish that at seventeen, what do I have to look forward to?
I hope people are safe tonight. I really really do.

So many things are happening that I almost don't know how I feel anymore. This is definitely not a bad thing. It just is.

I talked to an aunt this weekend. I told her the awkwardness of some things. I have maturity, but I lack life experience. She told me that this wasn't news to her. She said she's told my mom for about ten years that I'm so much more mature than people my age. She reassured me that when I get out of high school, it'll be better. November is the light at the end of my tunnel. It's not a magic time that'll heal everything, but I think I'll feel this burden lifted.

My dream for this summer is becoming more of a reality. God is helping me find ways. He's beginning to provide. This in turn will help a lot with college. I'm not going to settle or give up. I've never felt this. I'm not going to give it up. I can't. I won't.

This summer I want to witness sunrises and sunsets. I want to wear lots of sundresses and ballet flats. I want to continue the running I'm beginning. I want to help those girls. I want to fingerpaint and draw on sidewalks with chalk. I want to grow in my faith. I want my friendships to grow. I want to grow stronger and happier with myself. I want to eat strawberries to the point of having stained fingers. I want turkey run adventures. I want my summer freckles back.

"I'm going to help the human race with my own two hands." - Jack Johnson ft. Ben Harper

Today was a good day.
It's on my myspace.
It's on my facebook.
Read about it there.

I'm beginning to figure out who to surround myself with.
I may go to ISU for a year. It may be my choice, despite having the opportunity to go to IU. I'm seeing this from a different perspective. Maybe God wants me to stay a year so I can ultimately get out. Maybe He wants me here for another year for a specific reason. Some opportunities are opening up and I'm so incredibly unsure and I'm not trying to get my hopes up. I have time.

I'm going to get my brother in a few hours.
Tomorrow I'm being baptised. Chad wants me to share my testimony. I'm the only one being baptised. I'm scared of talking, but I want to do this.
Next weekend I'm seeing family I haven't seen in about a year and a half. They haven't seen me without braces. It'll be exciting.
The weekend after next is prom. I'm wearing heels and get a tiara for being on court. I'm excited to feel really pretty.
It'll all work out.

I really like yoga, text messages, and Sundays.
I like how I always feel earthy during and after yoga. I feel at peace. : )

I have a new favorite scripture.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart ; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and He will direct your paths. - Proverbs 3: 5-6

I came to a realization Friday night. I'm not going to save the world. I won't. Maybe I can just help, though. This will be done.
Right now I don't feel scared of some uncertainties that have been weighing me down for the last few weeks.  It's nice to have this burden lifted by just reading and contemplating that scripture.

Today I also realized that who I'm around or talking to can make me a completely different person. I'm so incredibly happy around a lot places and people and situations, but there are a few people who never cease to bum me out and I believe that shows. That doesn't show an accurate respresentation of who I am and I don't want those people to completely misunderstand me. I want to change this. I want to understand others, so naturally I want to be understood.

There's glitter on the hills tonight.

I just decided to disagree.
It feels good.

If I pass this math class, I'm graduating in November.
I may have to go to ISU for a year. I honestly feel heartbroken. I've cried more this weekend then I have in a long time.  At the same time, I've had encouragement to know that no matter where I go, God will work it out for me.
I have so much distance from so many people, but I can't be heartbroken over that. I can't let this tarnish my spirit.

I'm turning into a realist and I'm growing up and learning that my dreams probably won't come true, but that perhaps reality isn't so bad.
Earth isn't picture perfect.
That's what heaven is for.

I'm seeing things end that seemed like SUCH a big deal to me three months ago but now I'm almost apathetic to the situation. I feel detached. I feel detached from situations and friends and as much as this may seem bad, it feels really good right now.

I'm anti-social lately. I spent my spring break in a coffee shop reading a book and creating friendships. Yesterday I went to a show and actually felt a little uncomfortable around everyone. I wanted to sit in a bubble in the chair.

I'm learning cynical viewpoints and am beginning to actually understand them instead of denying them without the slightest glance. Is this my growing up more? I don't feel the cynicism, but I can understand it now. This scares me slightly. At the same time, it excites me because I so often wish to be more understanding and compassionate of others and this is a step.

I see myself doing something that I haven't done in a while. I'm growing cautious of my friendships. I used to confide my secrets, but now I almost want to keep them to myself. I want to keep parts hidden.

This is just a good place. It is.

This is sort of nice.

Thursday night I met Sarah at Coffee Break. We became good friends. It wasn't awkward and I was so incredibly happy for this.

Friday night I went to the show. It got loud inside, so I went out to the front of  Coffee Break. I sat there by myself with my book and felt completely comfortable and content and this felt so huge to me that I didn't have to depend on someone else to make me happy. I didn't feel like I had to prove I wasn't anti-social. Misty came and told us about a wedding she had just photographed. She suggested that I come with her next time and assist her by taking some photos. I'm intrigued. Cory eventually came and sat with me and we talked during most of the night. I'm getting to know people from my background better.

Saturday night I again went to the show.  I had a lot of friends there, but instead of clinging to them I sat in the big chair by myself and read between bands and just watched people. I watched how those friends followed each other around most of the night. I felt sort of sad for them. I met two sisters from Lafayette who are homeschooled and live in a family of 14 kids. They were incredibly sweet and once again, I got to know more people from my background.

I watched Cool Hand Luke. In the middle of the set, the singer left the room and came back with a Bible. He talked about Jesus and I felt chills. They played, "So Shall It Be", the one song I remember from the night I was saved, and from where I was sitting on the floor I closed my eyes and raised my hands and worshipped along with some other kids around the room. Later that night, Sarah, Laura, Lisa, and I talked to Casey, the guitarist. He told us that most of what he owns was in his backpack. He told us to learn a foreign language and ride bikes everywhere. He told us to do things we've never done before. I gave him a hug because I felt incredibly inspired and in awe of him. I also hugged him because he reminded me so much of Paul and gave me so much hope for him. I miss my brother lots. Eventually I ended up running through the rain to my car and ended up sitting with people at steak n' shake who I know, but hadn't ever really hung out with. It was a really nice change.

Yesterday I heard God during the morning church service. After church, I came home and emailed Chad, the pastor I talked to a few months ago about baptism, and told him I finally felt really ready to do this. My parents are coming with me to the mosaic church service Sunday. I haven't gone to church with the both of them since I've been saved and I'm incredibly excited. They'll get to meet Chad, too.

It's sunny and my hair is short and my smile is wide and I'm in an incredibly good place right now. I see that distance isn't bad. I'm learning friendships really may only be for a season.  I'm happy that I'm not attached to them anymore because I need good people in my life and they're good people, but they're so lost and I feel like I'm on such a different level than them right now. I can't be sad about that.

I've learned something in the last two days.
I want to get to know the people in my background better.

I'm at peace with a lot of things right now.

I'm at peace with various friends.

I'm at peace with my grandparents' deaths.  The Little Prince changed this for me. It's a children's book. It's simplistic. Sometimes things just don't click for me, at all. That book made their deaths click for me. April told me that love is never lost, it's just redirected. This wasn't in the context of their deaths, but I'm applying to that, too. I know that my family loves me, but I just haven't felt a bond with any of them that's been like that of Grandpa Smith and Grandpa James and even Grandma James (in an unconvential way). I think I was honestly sad and scared that I wouldn't have that again. It's true. I may never have it again, at least in a concrete face. I feel them, though. I feel them watching me. I honestly think they're amazingly proud of me. It helps me live my life in a better way.

I feel at peace with myself, too. It may have taken me ten years, but it's here. :)

I was just thinking about weaknesses. Maybe my approach is wrong. I've always felt that depending on having a romantic relationship with someone made you a weak person, at least at our age. That still holds true to my mind. I don't think that people can be happy with someone else until they are happy with themselves. At the same time...I'm placing judgement on something. I shouldn't do that. I think that makes me a weak person.

 It used to bother me a lot that I haven't had a boyfriend. Now, it doesn't bother me in the slightest. I've never been on the same path as everyone else, so why would that change for this aspect of my life?

On my flying dream I had a while back....

"flying dreams are good signs.  poets have them.  imaginative minds."

:)